Anyways you are advised rest but your thoughts betray the advice and is at a constant war with itself. Your heart is constricting,every ten minutes you feel that pumping action has increased. Without any reason it is lamenting...You feel like taking it out from the ribcage and shut it up somewhere in some locker away from you. But you have no such options. You ponder upon weird fancies too. What if next time I cough , my heart comes out of my mouth and then I could keep it away from me. You think about Egyptian mummy's too, how their body organs were removed and preservatives were sent into the body using injection through nostrils and mouth...whatever!
Anyways you think about parent's 28th marriage anniversary falling on 18th Feb. Wish it would have been 4 days prior to it. Anyways they are the most eligible ones for each other. They had '36 gunas' matching in their kundlis as if it was crafted keeping side by side. So whenever something happens to Papa, mummy also suffers simultaneously although problem might have changed its form. When Papa had his Vertebral bone fractured , 2 months after that, mum had ligament fracture, similarly both of them suffer from high BP. But its not that bad too altogether. Good events also occur in double doze. So their 25th anniversary was a gala moment. Whole khandaan seemed to rejoice completely. Arranging things was just out of the world experience. Dealing with pandaal wallas, halwais, phoolwallas, ordering cake from bakery, crafting invitation cards, return gifts for all the guests, even parking board was just too good. Not only this, I had a whole army of kids-nephew, niece,siblings[although I am the youngest], whom I could order and get the things done. Even Pooja arranged in the morning had a learned pandit who recited mantras that were a little different and in depth because he was a novice and straight out of the university, so to please Papa [who is a teacher in the same university], he gave his best!
So you remember and then again sadness re-occur! You can do nothing more than send gifts/cards/letters to them. Distances bother you much at times.
You are sad sad and sad. Last night you have had a haughty fight with a friend whom you considered a very good soul, still do the same, but you were anguished and bruised learning the fact that the good soul according to you thinks that you are dishonest and double faced. A hypocrite! You are just hurt! your damn heart again resurface and starts pumping rapidly[ it has no other good work rather than bothering me hmph!] You had indeed once tried to put up a mask and pose to be an introvert and hide feelings, but they were not at all manipulation, it was just a coy action which was wrong. Mediocrity is not meant for you. Being aware you cannot resist yourself and induce the other being to take some action. The other being blocks you[ all these nonsense happening on a social networking site]. Instead of feeling low and disgusted, you feel strong. After all you have resolved something howsoever badly it might have happened! I am the way I am. I have hurt many beings[many times good friends too] in my life I know. But this time this one seems justified!
Again sad sad and sadness re-appear. You seek attention, care and love instantly because fever has a strange quality of exaggerating melancholy. But instead what you get to see is blank walls. You wish to paint and fill whole wall with nature paintings, but damn rented DDA Flats...You cannot call it your own. You hate eating fever wali maggi and bread-milk, but cannot gulp anything else specially after you know far better delicacies to cook.
Nevertheless, Evening comes with a surprise and a real one indeed. Someone from Papa's office was travelling to Delhi. Mum henceforth prepared a whole bag. That bag was full of so many things that I felt like crying ,shouting and laughing all at once. Enlisting few things they were-
- Sweets- Gajar ka halwa, sohanhalwa, pede, laddoo, kaju katli, petha, pin khajoor, gujhia
- salty snacks- chanajor, nimki, mathri
- herbs- fresh tulsi leaves, ajwaeen
- fresh honey
The end of all agony...mind and heart seem to shake hands finally and now I feel like going to sleep peacefully! smiles and miles to go......
1 comment:
Yes most disturbed and disturbing post, never realized how many grammatical and type errors have crept in... Nevertheless, spontaneity has its own charm!
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